So, I started taking my SSRIs again today. I had been off of them for a year or so and was fine for a while. I have hypothyroidism though so when I stopped taking my Synthroid, things slowly started to get more sluggish (physically and emotionally). This episode of clinical major depression began with generalized anxiety (leading me to hide from everyone and sit in my room procrastinating for days. This was around the winter break between semesters. I didn't think much of it as I always get "end-of-the-semester blues" but when the spring semester started back up, I struggled to motivate myself to do anything at all. I felt overwhelmed with the conference presentations looming in the not too distant future, a barely drafted manuscript to finish by Spring Break, and 3 classes/1 lab. All of these things I am usually psyched about but I just felt lackadaisical about it all. I felt literally numb and I completely lacked the motivation to do anything. I did get it all done (thanks to much appreciated prodding from Dr. A.) and the conference couldn't have gone better. The conference was amazing actually. I definitely know that I am where I am supposed to be career-wise.




But after the conference...It was if someone popped my balloon. I found it difficult to get anything done. Even trivial activities, like personal hygiene or doing laundry, exhaust all of my energy. It doesn't help that my husband just thinks I am being lazy instead of understanding my deep feeling of nothingness. The only emotions/feelings I have been able to muster are malaise, frustration, anger, numbness, anxiety, exhaustion, stress, guilt, and a general "just don't give a shit about anything or anyone."



It has progressed to a level that is seriously negatively affecting my life, my family (especially my husband), and my friends (as in they never see me anymore). I’ve been able to put on a decent front at school. While all I want to do is stay home, once I actually get into the classroom, I am an active participant. I get the work done. I’m still everyone’s favorite (just kidding! Favorite pest maybe...).



So I went to the doctor yesterday to get some 'roids for my lymph nodes (swollen & painful) and decided to talk to him about getting back on the Celexa. It was really hard to bring it up since I don't care that I don't care but I promised DH I would talk to the doc about it so I did. I started the Celexa today and we drew some blood to test my thyroid hormone levels to see what dose of Synthroid I should start on again. Also, I am starting an exercise routine tomorrow*** (taking advantage of the practically empty campus gym this summer).



We shall see. If it is my hypothyroidism, it can take up to 3 months to start getting back to normal. Let's hope the Celexa helps me out until then.

 ***Correction: I woke up with a migraine (stupid 'roids) so I'll start that exercising Thursday.

Hiatus Apology to No One

I was really excited about this blog when I started it. Now writing seems a chore. I've been depressed and burnt out over the past couple of months. Although no one reads this (yet), hopefully I will soon feel like being witty and creative again. Much has transpired since I last wrote. Nothing bad, in fact, mostly great. I just do not feel like my usual self these days. It is as if my motivation for everything just dissipated.

Even this entry seemed a chore to put off but here it is. My blog entry to tell you I will be back at some point in the [hopefully near] future.

Doctors and Dentists and Deadlines, Oh My!

So, I have a shit ton o' work to do but I'm taking a break to tell you that I love my doctor. My Primary Care Physician is a super-religious man who doesn't believe in evolution and always cracks at least 5 jokes referencing the age difference between me and hubbie (he's our family doc so he also loves to tease my stepkids by asking about their "new sister" when they go in with their dad...). He also blames everything that ails me on my vegetarianism (or being married to an "old guy"). Some of his jokes are tolerable because they give me a chance to come up with some snarky comeback, displaying my infallible wit (Ha!), and he stares at my boobs a lot (which is funnier than his jokes).

But I can overlook all of his misdiagnoses and pseudo-comedy for the fact that, although his patients typically describe his script writing as "stingy" (to say the least), he never holds out on me when it comes to the good meds. I don't know if it's because I'm so witty or so titty, but I always get the good shit without having to ask. Hell, maybe it's cause I don't ask for it. Whatever. All I know is I had an appointment today to get him to look at my face again (I've had a crazy rash since June, which he has misdiagnosed twice now, bastard) and I walked out of his office with antibiotics (for my impetigo, the latest diagnosis, and I believe the correct one), a hand full of Soma samples (and not like 4 but like 24), and a script for 60 Lortab. Granted, in addition to the Impetigo mess on my face (not the impetigo that has crazy pus-filled blisters, by the way, but the strep strain one, which still looks like shit though not as leprous as the staph one...but I digress), I also mentioned the immense pain caused by throwing my back out last week. It has gotten better than it was (think unrelenting sharp pain when you move and when you're completely still), and I mentioned that it isn't as bad this week, but, like I said, he throws the good shit at me. Maybe he feels sorry for me because he thinks it must suck to have caught "being old and decrepit" from my hubbie (which explains all aches and pains, apparently).

Anyway, just thought I'd brag about my awesome legal stash of drugs. I also went to the dentist to get a replacement crown (my permanent crown, done by a different DDS, recently shattered) and they pulled some strings (aka forged some documents, I think) to get it covered by my insurance (fucking enough with the preexisting condition clauses already). Saved me $800. Today was a good healthcare day, thanks to the health care providers and not the insurance fuckwads, of course.

Oh yeah, and shame on you, Maine. I cried when I heard about your vote to deny legal marriage rights to same-sex couples, even though this basic civil right had already been granted by your state legislators. And I never fucking cry. Just think, if they had let the states vote on slavery and racial equality laws, we'd still have slaves in the South... This is why equality legislation needs to be enacted at the federal level. There are too many small-minded, religious fucks who are stuck in their hateful ways to ever move past this unfair, yet still legal, discrimination present in our state law books.

And, kudos for trying, Washington State, but "separate but equal" is not equal. I mean, personally, if I had fallen for a lady, marriage wouldn't have been a big deal for me. Let the church keep their ancient rites. The institution of marriage is an archaic practice based on religious beliefs anyway. I only got married for the tax breaks (and the life insurance). To me, love doesn't need the constraints of ancient tradition to thrive (monogamy isn't natural, but that's an entirely different blog). Civil unions are alright with me and my hypothetical lady love. I would just want the same legal rights that the privileged heterosexuals get when they get hitched. But, if you are going to do this "separate but equal" crap and turn marriage into this holy grail that cannot be sullied by us dirty homos, then you have made it into what it is. Civil unions for everyone (gay or straight) and let the church perform their marriage ceremonies as a separate entity OR legal marriage for everyone. Love is love is love is love and no one can govern that, no matter how hard you try.

You Are, It's True

Fuck you, flu. Just when I thought we were done for good, my fever comes back today and I'm quarantined in my bedroom again. *Sigh* At least I was able to hijack the laptop and I still have the special features from I Love You, Man to watch (so hilarious). Too bad I have a shit ton of work to do this weekend/beginning of next week. Not to mention the Cowboys are playing the Panthers Monday night and I really wanted to hit the bar to watch it after my Bioethics class lets out. Should be an easy win (knock on wood) and I'll be getting rowdy (translation, DH won't appreciate me watching the game at home). Hopefully this Tamiflu won't let me down and I'll be back up to 100% by Monday.

So, everyone in my house has the flu and I'm feeling pretty out of it today (good sign that I'm next). Sucks.

Tomorrow is DH and I's 2nd wedding anniversary. I just found out that it is also National Celebrate Bisexuality Day tomorrow. I just picked 9/23 as a wedding date cuz 23 is my favorite number. Funny.

I missed Pride yesterday because of work I had to do for school. It was supposedly awesome. We took the kids last year. It was cool because, after the parade, #2 told us he didn't know yet if he liked boys or girls but it is cool to know that we'll accept him, whether he's gay or straight. That was what I was hoping the kids would get out of it (plus the culture, of course). I'm such a flaming liberal.

Oh yeah, and the IRB approved the study, finally. Woot!!

Academic Dreams About Holding a "Stimulating" Conversation

Last night I dreamt about someone whom I admire greatly. But instead of a normal sex dream, I dreamt about talking to this person for hours. Literally, all night long, I dreamt about talking to someone that I find attractive.

I think my brain needs to get laid. Has it really been that long since I've had intellectual intercourse?

All the tequila...

Too many margaritas on Wed = Incredibly sluggish Thursday.

Ugh.

Funny Astrology Indulgence & KO and Rachel Maddow Return...Finally!

So, I get bombarded with horoscope emails daily. Every so often, I'll open one up for a laugh. Here's my "overview" for today.

I think this one is telling me to have a threesome. Sweet!!These are the times that try your soul, because deciding between the interests of your dear ones and the demands of your libido won't be an easy thing to negotiate. Ah, well. If all else fails, including the mediation of an impartial third party, take a good, long time-out.

And I came down with Strep throat today...I'd say this is creepy if it wasn't for the 60 million other Scorpios who are also probably sick and freaking out over this one.Your first impulse will be to ignore it and bravely go on. Don't. Epic sagas aren't written about someone who was cranky from the flu. Go home. Tend to yourself.

Anyway, just thought I'd share. Took my first final this morning. Got an A in the class (Tests & Measurements). Have to get a 77/100 on my Mod Political Thought final tomorrow to make an A in that class so I'm golden. I'm never taking 2 Summer session classes simultaneously AGAIN.

I forgot to mention, Keith O and Rachel Maddow are back from vacation so I can start watching cable news again. For my sake, please never, ever take vacations at the same time, guys. That was torture...There was no one else to revel in Palin stepping down as Governor, no one to countdown Worst Persons, no one to make all the same political jokes that I made 2 days prior... Anyway, I'm glad you're both back!

Motivation

Sexual desire is by far my greatest motivation (Thanks, hypothalamus and limbic system, for your seemingly non-stop input). I'm not saying that sex is the only thing that motivates me (Sorry, Freud), but it can definitely light a fire under my ass.

A hypothetical situation to help you better understand this concept: I would make the worst spy ever. I would sabotage the first mission assigned to me by using my "spyhood" to pick up potential lovers in this manner: "Hey, can I buy you a drink? *insert small talk here* Well, I can't tell you what I do for a living because I'm in espionage but you seem trustworthy....Want to come up to my room so I can show you the top-secret, classified documents I keep in my panties?"

Anyway, I watched a spy movie over the weekend and this was the conclusion I drew in putting myself in a spy-themed daydream.

I'd curse my double-Scorpio status, but I can't be a very good atheist if I put any stock in astrology. Although, I can say my horoscope is way more entertaining than the bible.

Insomnia

(Originally posted on 5/26/09 at 6:49 AM)

I am so sick of being an insomniac. Where did the time of sleeping for 10-14 hours a night on my vacations go?

Since school has been out, I've been lucky to fall asleep between 7 and 9am for a few hours.

The ambien doesn't work. The soft music, reading, tv background noise, nor complete silence/darkness works. I've tried it all. The glass(es) of wine in the tub, snuggling, not snuggling, moving to the couch...all failures. Bleh.

And it's not the kind of insomnia that could maybe allow me to be productive with the extra hours at night. It is more like desperate zombie-insomnia so I just lay there and be a desperate zombie trying not to think about how I'm not sleeping.

Other than that, everything is fine.

Dr. A asked me to be on his research team for a study he will be conducting. It is awesome. Dr. A is a cross between Dr. Drew Pinsky and Keith Olbermann. He's witty, liberal, atheist, brilliant, and charming (as far as I can tell). Not that any of that matters when it comes to people I will be working with/for/under but it all definitely raises my motivation to be the best research assistant ever. The experience won't look bad on my grad degree application either. ;)

Banana Mouse is thriving. He is no longer content to sleep on me. He just wants to tunnel through my clothes and try to explore the bed. He's a fast little bugger too. He's got a pimped out cage tho and watching him eat sunflower seeds is my new favorite tv show. Mission accomplished (except for that whole not staying put thing).

I have registered for 2 summer I classes and 2 summer II classes. Round 1 starts June 8 so I suppose I should actually do something productive with my time off instead of sitting around the house reading Al Franken books and watching House reruns but it's so damn tempting to do just that! So that is basically all I've been up to since school got out. Anyway, I suppose I'll go lay down and muse about not sleeping some more.

Rectal Exams and Ringtones

(Originally posted on 3/11/09 at 8:13 PM)

hey there

last week I had 2 of the most embarrassing moments of my life in the same day. Thought I'd share...

1st, I was bleeding...from the booty...so I went to the ER per DH's insisting. I was also in a lot of pain so probably good thing I went. Well, the doc I got was this huge Italian mafia-looking doctor with giant fingers. He had me "assume the position" and stuck one of those giant fingers entirely into my rectum...while the hottest nurse I've ever seen stood by and watched (DH tried to reassure me that "maybe she liked it" ha). anyway i was fine (nothing major, just stress-induced colon blockage ha).

2nd, While taking my PhysioPsych exam, my phone went off. I couldn't find it so the entire ringtone played. Twice. Not that big of a deal, right? happens all the time...

Well, my ringtone goes something like this (by Of Montreal):

Want you to be my pleasure puss

I wanna know what it's like to be inside you...

Thankfully Dr. A just laughed and pretended not to look up from his book but the entire class laughed. I now have flashbacks when my phone rings.

That's all. I'll post a pic of my blockage xray later.

- Me

Ps at least I got a 96 on the test!